Comments on: Does Back Pain Lead To Brain Drain? http://middle-backpain.com/121/does-back-pain-lead-to-brain-drain/ Back Pain Teatments Mon, 06 Feb 2012 21:51:41 +0000 hourly 1 By: wonderwoman http://middle-backpain.com/121/does-back-pain-lead-to-brain-drain/comment-page-1/#comment-1000 wonderwoman Thu, 11 Mar 2010 19:58:59 +0000 http://middle-backpain.com/121/does-back-pain-lead-to-brain-drain/#comment-1000 Honestly, it sounds a bit too cheesy. You could convey a very dramatic mood without using the so very cliche phrase "slit your wrists". Usually the best poems are those which do not directly use the theme word. Example: I have read many poems about love, yet not once was the actual word "love" written in it. This just sounds like a typical high school poem that one of those self proclaimed "goths" would compose. Don't get me wrong, though. This has potential, but the omnipresent gore gets old. Space it out. That could even make a gereater impact on your audience. Also, much of the rhyming and vocabulary is fairly elementary. I'm not saying that a poem is "bad" if it doesn't have slightly more advanced wording, but again, this sounds too sad little high schooler who would like to gain some attention. Look at Poe's works. His short stories are not line after line blood and gore. He builds up, creating that final suspense. He also limits dialogue. Many of his pieces spend pages of solid information. In your poem, you use frequent dialogue. Instead of writing out what someone is saying, you could describe the situation to decrease the corny level. i.e. (pure example) "I felt my body weaken by the numbness which washed through me, as he lifted his saber still crimson with fresh blood..."<b>References : </b>Years of classic writing studies, literature courses, degrees, and teaching Honestly, it sounds a bit too cheesy. You could convey a very dramatic mood without using the so very cliche phrase "slit your wrists". Usually the best poems are those which do not directly use the theme word. Example: I have read many poems about love, yet not once was the actual word "love" written in it. This just sounds like a typical high school poem that one of those self proclaimed "goths" would compose. Don't get me wrong, though. This has potential, but the omnipresent gore gets old. Space it out. That could even make a gereater impact on your audience. Also, much of the rhyming and vocabulary is fairly elementary. I'm not saying that a poem is "bad" if it doesn't have slightly more advanced wording, but again, this sounds too sad little high schooler who would like to gain some attention. Look at Poe's works. His short stories are not line after line blood and gore. He builds up, creating that final suspense. He also limits dialogue. Many of his pieces spend pages of solid information. In your poem, you use frequent dialogue. Instead of writing out what someone is saying, you could describe the situation to decrease the corny level. i.e. (pure example) "I felt my body weaken by the numbness which washed through me, as he lifted his saber still crimson with fresh blood…"References : Years of classic writing studies, literature courses, degrees, and teaching

]]> By: BRìÃN http://middle-backpain.com/121/does-back-pain-lead-to-brain-drain/comment-page-1/#comment-999 BRìÃN Thu, 11 Mar 2010 14:56:08 +0000 http://middle-backpain.com/121/does-back-pain-lead-to-brain-drain/#comment-999 <b>So heres another poem/story. tell me if its good Warning very dark!?</b>Contemplating taking this blade and tearing flesh bone. Taking it deep into my soul. Puncturing my heart and letting all my feelings go. Sitting in this puddle of blood. Seeing visions of scarlet red. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME INSIDE MY HEAD! Voices screaming DO IT, tearing at my brain SLIT YOUR WRISTS…COME ON YOU ENJOY THE PAIN! Demons swirling in my visions beckoning me to join them. The man in red whispering in my ear “Come my son relinquish to me your soul to me and we will be one.” Falling down into the black abyss. Why did I let my life come to this? This suicidal romance I have with this blade. I cry and it conforts me. Slicing flesh from bone. Leading the way into the dark. Draining my blood. Draining my pain out onto the floor. I follow the man in red down the long corridor…screams and moans coming out of every door. He leads me to my doom. I walk into my cage. The dead bodies with the heads of all my fears are clawing at my back. I faint on the floor. I wake as I see my reflection in the blade. My face…my eyes I’ve changed…. I’ve become the man in red. I take the blade and slice away what isn’t there. My eyes rolling past me on the floor I scream as I awake. I’m back in the corridor. Stuck forever to relive all my sins…. Dream all my fears. The man in red is back along with a man in black. He whispers to me in his evil tongue. You my son will spend the rest of eternity with ME! YOU CANNOT CONTROL ME I SCREAM. I rip at the bars…clawing with fangs that aren’t there. He takes his weapon of death, and tears a whole in my chest. Holding my still beating heart in his boney hand he screams YOU WILL OBEY MY EVERY DEMAND! I can’t see his face his cloak hides it. He goes and sits in the corner. As he is looking down holding his scythe in one hand and my heart in the other. I hear the others screaming bloody murder. I find my blade…my lover. I cut away my soul. The man in red can’t have what doesn’t exist. As I see myself float away. The man in black stands up and screams. I AM THE KEEPER OF SOULS! As he fly’s over me to catch it I grab his cloak and pull him down. I take his scythe and relinquish him of his crown. NOW I AM THE KEEPER OF SOULS I scream. I put on my cloak, and take my scythe. The man in red returns, and I give him the reapers soul. THAT WAS VERY BOLD BUT NOW YOU WILL FEEL YOUR BLOOD TURN COLD AS YOU DECEND INTO DARKNESS! He screams. I accept my fate as the keeper of souls. I wake up and see my lover once again. She is scarlet with my blood i didnt make this up it was a dream i would have but..thats what he said in my dream u want aan actual poem? look at what do you think about this poem and no its not in stanzas So heres another poem/story. tell me if its good Warning very dark!?Contemplating taking this blade and tearing flesh bone. Taking it deep into my soul. Puncturing my heart and letting all my feelings go. Sitting in this puddle of blood. Seeing visions of scarlet red. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME INSIDE MY HEAD! Voices screaming DO IT, tearing at my brain SLIT YOUR WRISTS…COME ON YOU ENJOY THE PAIN! Demons swirling in my visions beckoning me to join them. The man in red whispering in my ear “Come my son relinquish to me your soul to me and we will be one.” Falling down into the black abyss. Why did I let my life come to this?

This suicidal romance I have with this blade. I cry and it conforts me. Slicing flesh from bone. Leading the way into the dark. Draining my blood. Draining my pain out onto the floor. I follow the man in red down the long corridor…screams and moans coming out of every door. He leads me to my doom. I walk into my cage. The dead bodies with the heads of all my fears are clawing at my back. I faint on the floor. I wake as I see my reflection in the blade. My face…my eyes I’ve changed…. I’ve become the man in red. I take the blade and slice away what isn’t there. My eyes rolling past me on the floor I scream as I awake. I’m back in the corridor. Stuck forever to relive all my sins…. Dream all my fears. The man in red is back along with a man in black. He whispers to me in his evil tongue. You my son will spend the rest of eternity with ME! YOU CANNOT CONTROL ME I SCREAM. I rip at the bars…clawing with fangs that aren’t there. He takes his weapon of death, and tears a whole in my chest. Holding my still beating heart in his boney hand he screams YOU WILL OBEY MY EVERY DEMAND! I can’t see his face his cloak hides it. He goes and sits in the corner. As he is looking down holding his scythe in one hand and my heart in the other. I hear the others screaming bloody murder. I find my blade…my lover. I cut away my soul. The man in red can’t have what doesn’t exist. As I see myself float away. The man in black stands up and screams. I AM THE KEEPER OF SOULS! As he fly’s over me to catch it I grab his cloak and pull him down. I take his scythe and relinquish him of his crown. NOW I AM THE KEEPER OF SOULS I scream. I put on my cloak, and take my scythe. The man in red returns, and I give him the reapers soul. THAT WAS VERY BOLD BUT NOW YOU WILL FEEL YOUR BLOOD TURN COLD AS YOU DECEND INTO DARKNESS! He screams. I accept my fate as the keeper of souls. I wake up and see my lover once again. She is scarlet with my blood
i didnt make this up it was a dream
i would have but..thats what he said in my dream
u want aan actual poem? look at what do you think about this poem and no its not in stanzas

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